How To Lose Friends and Alienate People
By Julia Diddy
[This article originally appeared on Outtake by Tribeca Shortlist on April 12, 2017]
It’s never been a better time to foster everyone else’s appreciation of your American roots while traveling abroad! America’s been featured prominently in the news lately, so you’ll want to capitalize on the heightened interest in all things American.
One of the most exceptional cinematic examples of American awesomeness is Kevin Kline’s portrayal of Otto West in A Fish Called Wanda. Kline’s Oscar-winning performance provides lots of excellent pointers on how we Americans can make friends abroad quickly and easily. Like:
1. Take up space. Be imposing.
This establishes you as a larger than life character. Everybody loves a larger than life character, especially the American kind. (Pro tip: one good way to be a larger than life character is to be way into weapons and martial arts.)
And if you’re feeling especially ambitious, you can take up someone else’s space, too. Like on the tube, public roads, or by shoving a chip up their nose. This ensures that they’ll remember the interesting American they met (that’s you) for a long, long time to come.
2. Compliment people.
Tell them they’ve got great bones and dress really interestingly. If at all possible, be sure to pin them to a wall or find another way to be physically imposing (see #1 above) before complimenting them — it really drives your point home and makes your compliments all the more memorable. You can also shout compliments at people on public sidewalks. It’s a win for all of us if the whole neighborhood can bask in the glow ofyour kind yet gregarious American nature.
3. Be a cultural ambassador.
If you visit England, for instance, and find other people driving on the wrong side of the road, be sure to point out to them what assholes they are. They’ll appreciate the opportunity to improve themselves and expand their horizons in the comfort of their own country.
4. Make an effort to learn other languages.
As a general rule, you’ll be fine speaking English (the American kind, of course) wherever you go. It’s the best language, everybody says so. But if you’re feeling charitable, you can dabble in another language, so long as there’s something in it for you. Memorizing menu items is an excellent example of how to do this — you’ll be able to order delicious food for yourself, like pizza, mozzarella, and linguini primavera, while appearing super smart and bi-lingual. You may even be able to woo an attractive fellow American whose own foreign language skills are of the narrow variety.
5. Defend your intelligence at every opportunity.
The idea that Americans can be intelligent is under fire at the moment, and our collective intellectual reputation could really do with a boost. So be sure to get really upset if anyone mistakes you for a stupid person. The only way to convincingly defend your intelligence is to fly off the handle, so you can prove that you take your intelligence seriously. And if someone does call you stupid, call them every foul name you can think of. This will establish that you do in fact know lots of words.
6. Apologize when you’re wrong.
Try to keep kicking the other person to a minimum while apologizing. This helps to establish a certain level of sincerity.
7. Show that you’re a good listener and detail oriented.
To be fair, you’re only human, and you can’t possibly be expected to always focus on what other people are saying when you’re reflecting upon all of your own amazing qualities (like the ones listed above) — especially if other people are so inconsiderate as to be speaking at length about something other than you and your interests. But by asking them to repeat that “middle thing” that they said, you still can appear to care. Also, if you’re planning a heist, asking about the middle thing can prove that you’re very detail oriented to the notorious crime boss in charge.
